third wheel

“I'm a waiter, and an uninvited participant in just about every date you've ever been on.”

Includes such gems as:  "When I return to drop their check, they're making out shamelessly, in the weird but common belief that because they are sitting and I am standing, I cannot see them."

I don’t even want to think about what waiters all over Los Angeles must think of me.

any girl but me

Two years old. Still funny. Still piercingly accurate. I am guilty as charged.

But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them